Have you been laying awake at night trying to convince yourself it was all a nightmare the sound of galloping horses coming from downstairs?
Or that the squeak of the freezer door closing doesn't really sound like a horse's neigh?
Well you can put your mind at rest now, it was just the lasagne and beefburgers getting up to a bit of nocturnal high jinks in your kitchen!
And don't be taken in by the fake cries of "quelle horreur!!!" coming from any of the food manufacturers/processors and our Food Standards Agency. They've been in on this scam for so long it's a wonder we haven't seen any foals in the maternity wards of our wonderful and caring NHS hospitals.
But just remember this when Cast Iron is begging for your EU "Yes" vote, none of this contaminated meat came from outside of the Common Market. In fact as we get drawn ever closer towards Bruxelles by our own political elite, you might even label it as "Local Produce"!
Bon appétit! Omlowen dha bos!